> As for the vitamins and supplements, we are halting their sale immediately. Utilitarian logic dictates that if we can extend even one CEO’s life by 10 minutes, diluting these miracle elixirs for public consumption is an unethical waste. Instead, we plan to collect the entire stock of the InfoWars warehouses into a large vat and boil the contents down into a single candy bar–sized omnivitamin that one executive (I will not name names) may eat in order to increase his power and perhaps become immortal.*
> On top of its journalistic pursuits, The Onion also owns and operates the majority of the world’s transoceanic shipping lanes, stands on the nation’s leading edge on matters of deforestation and strip mining, and proudly conducts tests on millions of animals daily.
No, that would be unethical, running the risk of healing the animals and helping them live longer lives without a high level of informed consent that only animals deserve.
They will instead receive a set of carefully designed nocebos.
The real supplements will be shipped needy areas in developing countries and then strategically withheld from anyone that desires them.
They probably don't want to be in the business of selling unregulated, scammy, and potentially dangerous goods. They might destroy the merch. Who knows.
There were a bunch of suggestions on the bluesky thread that they should donate samples of them to researchers so that they could figure out what was actually in the fucking things.
