I struggle with this—if you have kids, sometimes staying the course feels like the "responsible" thing to do. But plenty of people get laid off out of the blue, and plenty of people pursue their dream and have a thriving second career.
There is probably no right answer, but I guess the question is: "what decision can you live with?"
That’s tricky though, because the decision you can live with becomes the decision your partner and children also have to live with - and they get much less choice in the matter.
True but if you make a decision that makes you a bitter adult then they have to live with that as well - as a role model for your kids no less. No easy answers unfortunately.
You're right, but just to point out the obvious - you can decide (to some extent) not to be bitter, even if you aren't fulfilled at your job.
Many people, in fact most people, and certainly most people throughout history, have worked not because it was the thing they wanted to do to be most fulfilled. They worked because they had to provide for their family.
The choice isn't binary - it's not "do something you love and not be bitter" vs "work to provide and be bitter". You can also choose "work to provide, understand the tradeoff you're making, and accept it". You can still have a plenty fulfilling life outside of your job - many people do.
On the other hand, very few jobs these days in the West are about survival anymore. It's true to some extent that you need to pay for your mortgage but at the same time the amount of bullshit jobs is staggering. People work for work for organizations that provide the service of allowing others to like photos of your holidays. Very few people are employed in farming these days as opposed to the entertainment industry. I'm not saying that working in the gaming industry is without value but compared to historical data it looks like it's very hard to die of a famine these days.
This is me, I couldn't care less about massive multinational corporation employing me, it could go bankrupt tomorrow for all I care. But there are those annoying bills, mortgages, vacations, hobbies or just saving for retirement. Remove salary and I will stop working for my employer immediately. I am also not breaking my back to have stellar career, paycheck is enough. I did it for 20 years for various employers, can handle doing it for another 20 till (hopefully earlish) retirement.
But am I depressed? Not at all, because all the free time I get (which often included rather long lunch breaks spent ie running or weightlifting) I try to fill with family and my passions (which are not yet fully compatible things so its often either-or). Its mindset (doing work is OK, it doesn't have to be super exciting) and those passions. But it took me half a decade to discover them, most are adrenaline/extreme sports. TBH I don't know that many middle aged people with real fulfilling passions, that may be the source of problems.
It should enter into the equation for sure. Is the kid better off with a revolving door of abusive "boyfriends" and mother who works three jobs or one bitter dad? Not a pretty picture.
Fulfilment doesn’t feed your children or put a roof over their heads. The expectation is that men provide. The wife and kids would prefer a bitter provider over a happy “deadbeat”.
Agree - there are other forms of capital and support which are more important to children, spouses, other family members, and friends than money. It seems like many people have already proven that having more money than you need doesn't actually make a difference if your life is broken in other ways.
Yes, but just as they’d prefer playing video games over reading books. Might have been absent from their life at times, but I’m sure they’ll appreciate the properties and stocks I’ll leave behind for them.
As someone with a friend who grew up under a dad like you… no they won’t. They’ll talk a whole lot of shit to someone like me about what an emotionally unavailable parent you were. Sure, they’ll acknowledge the privileged circumstances they grew up in and be grateful that they at least have that going for them, but not a single shred of that gratitude will extend to you or the decisions you made.
Then again, everyone’s different, and maybe your kids will react differently. Just don’t be surprised if you get a shitty relationship with your kids later on.
There is absolutely a happy medium here, is there not? e:g mid-level dev that could have been a senior but would rather work from home, do the school run, be around for kids, gets enough code cranked out for employer to be happy but is a decent , present, Dad too? Kids get less material standard of living than some of their peers, but still good compared to most of the world and most of history.
In my experience, if a man fails at being a provider, he usually fully commits to the failure too. At least this was the case with my family. A healthy in between narcissistic Walter White provider and fully leaving your old life behind would seem healthier.
Actually it’s not. The expectation is that men do their half and also provide emotional support. The problem is that many omen don’t do either of those and few so both well. Instead many men try to compensate with wealth and fail.
There is probably no right answer, but I guess the question is: "what decision can you live with?"