IMHO this stage of NVC lasts about 6 months, and it is rarely "doing NVC" - ie; if you get really angry/scared/etc you prob haven't built up the muscle memory yet to even reach for those canned phrases (probably applies more in more intimate relationships than the workplace - partner(s), parents, kids, etc) but maybe you do, and surprisingly even a clumsy canned phrase about your own feelings or needs rather than jumping to an accusation of the other person can still help ratchet down the tension.
After practicing NVC a fair amount (it is a /practice/, not a tool), you can literally start feeling your brain re-wire in a good way. You stop feeling so much responsible for other people's emotions, even if they are about something you did or needing to put your needs in contrast to someone elses, you start automatically being able to empathize with someone's feelings, even when they might scare you, and perhaps most importantly your own self-talk and the way you relate to parts of yourself that "you" are in conflict with starts to change.
At this point, there is much less robotic phrases. In fact, watching someone who has many years of experience rewiring their own defenses through NVC practice responding to difficult situations seems near-magical because there are so many less ego defenses to get stuck on someone elses ego defenses so really difficult and hard things can be cut through like better and both people can feel heard and understoor.
For me, it took YEARS of practice, and it amazes my that my limbic system is still the first responder! It comes and goes and you're right, you really need to practice. The canned phrases are the training wheels.
Spot on! I'm going to borrow that analogy and in return I'll give you a solution to the limbic system. From my conflict resolution process document:
"Brainstorming is a “brainhack” that engages the analytical brain, which helps to reduce the stress response. This emotion regulation technique “tricks” the brain and body by sending the message that they are safe because you wouldn’t put energy into analytical thought if you were threatened. By engaging the higher reasoning part of the brain, you inhibit the stress response and mitigate the risk it poses to the conflict resolution process."
yeah, it takes a while to really appreciate. I read a fair amount of NVC stuff and it always sounded a little bit stupid and wooden (oh, of course I could say that, but why would I even say something that dumb sounding) even though I liked the theories.
Like most forms of awareness training, it takes a direct experience through lots of practice as to how your own bodymind is changing. The direct experience of being able to hear someone stating needs and empathizing directly with your commonality in having those needs regardless of how they are acting is a pretty strong one.
Even now though when we are having a conflict where both my partner and I feel confused and hurt and we don't quite even understand what we are arguing about but we both feel something pretty intensely we will literally sit down with a typed sheet of feelings of needs and try to identify exactly what is happening for us, regardless of "content" of the fight.
It still amazes me, especially as someone socialized to not feel my feelings, how often in those situations I actually have no idea what I'm /feeling/ (other than BAD) much less what I am needing...
The very acronym itself redefines violence to something it isn't which is always a red flag.
This all sounds like the worst parts of working in a lot of modern offices where people don't speak frankly and instead everything is done through this sort of political office speak which is lets be honest here all about politics and not about solving problems.
When I read things like this. I find it very insidious.
When I see someone earnestly citing the WHO to make a point I'm usually a bit nonplussed. This site has a culture of expectation that we make substantial responses, but how you respond substantially to irrelevancies like this? The best response is "So?" I understand that the WHO does a decent job of regurgitating data or facts derived from elsewhere, but otherwise they are not an authority worthy of respect.
And? They have also redefined violence to mean something else. It doesn't mean they are correct in doing so and in no way does this address my complaint.
In the link you posted the very first line:
> Violence is "the use of physical force so as to injure, abuse, damage, or destroy."
That is the definition and that is what most people think when they hear the term violence. Your link itself says it is a unconventional definition. One that I do not care for.
So both the WHO and this acronym as far as I am concerned is redefining violence.
> That said, I do prefer the AKA of "Compassionate Communication"
Again. This is more newspeak. It just being empathetic. I absolutely abhor people inventing their own terms when there is already suitable word.
It sounds like you are worried that using communication frameworks like this will inhibit being able to communicate freely and honestly and that instead of solving problems and working together (and even having some sharp disagreements), those disagreements will just be avoided through some sort of unclear speech in the name of not offending someone or hurting someone's feelings, and that as a result honesty and quality of collaboration will suffer...Does that sound right?
I don't particularly like speech codes, I don't like "communication frameworks" and I am enough of an arsehole (because I don't care if people like me, and ironically that is why a lot of people like me) to call it out. Obviously you can't go around being generally abusive, but this is another insidious thing that we really don't need in an office.
Absolutely. Newspeak is an abominable practice, and I can't stand its inevitable progression. Even "Non-Aggressive Communication" would be too "aggressive" of a phrase to describe the framework.
After practicing NVC a fair amount (it is a /practice/, not a tool), you can literally start feeling your brain re-wire in a good way. You stop feeling so much responsible for other people's emotions, even if they are about something you did or needing to put your needs in contrast to someone elses, you start automatically being able to empathize with someone's feelings, even when they might scare you, and perhaps most importantly your own self-talk and the way you relate to parts of yourself that "you" are in conflict with starts to change.
At this point, there is much less robotic phrases. In fact, watching someone who has many years of experience rewiring their own defenses through NVC practice responding to difficult situations seems near-magical because there are so many less ego defenses to get stuck on someone elses ego defenses so really difficult and hard things can be cut through like better and both people can feel heard and understoor.